Liberals Are Right: Guns Are The Real War Heroes

If you’ve been keeping up with the news over the past few days, you’ve probably heard about the AR-15-style “assault rifle” that entered a bar in Orlando and shot over 100 people. Well, actually it was Omar Mateen, a self-styled ISIS jihadist. But if the media is going to blame inanimate objects (guns) every time they are used in acts of violence, why not give those same inanimate objects credit for acts of heroism?

I present to you: The real heroes of America’s wars (according to liberals)

The American Revolutionary War (1775-83)

The Brown Bess: Likely responsible for the “Shot Heard Round The World,” the Brown Bess saw action from day 1 of the war.

Brown Bess
By Antique Military Rifles (Originally posted to Flickr as Brown Bess) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

The Long Rifle, a.k.a. Pennsylvania Rifle or Kentucky Rifle, drew decisive victories in the battles of Saratoga and New Orleans.

By Antique Military Rifles (originally posted to Flickr as Kentucky’s) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

War of 1812 (1812-1814)

The Springfield Model 1795 made up the majority of American infantry units.

Brown Bess
By Antique Military Rifles (originally posted to Flickr as 1795 Musket) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

The Model 1805 Flintlock Pistol would ride into battle in small groups on horseback for a raised advantage against the enemy.


Mexican-American War (1846-1848)

The M1841 Mississippi rifles were a favorite of Colonel Jefferson Davis, who went directly to President Polk to request that they join him in battle.


World War I (1917-1918)

The M1903 Springfield 30-06 crossed the Atlantic to face the horrors of the Western front and survived.

By Armémuseum (The Swedish Army Museum) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

World War II (1941-1945)

The M1 Garand put forth such a stellar performance that it was praised by General Patton himself.


The Thompson Submachine Gun served admirably in close-quarters combat, jungle patrols and ambushes.


The Gulf War (1990-1991)

The M16A2 took to the desert to repel Iraqi forces from Kuwait.


The Beretta M9 performed admirably in close-quarters, room-to-room combat, and stood up to grueling environmental conditions.


I think it’s high time the medals and accolades awarded to soldiers for these conflicts be taken away and given to the real heroes instead.

Note: this article is clearly meant to be satirical. The intention is not to diminish or make light of the heroic actions of American soldiers in past conflicts, but to highlight the idiocy behind blaming (or praising) inanimate objects for the actions of people.